Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Path To Super Obesity

Well, I've surpassed my 49th birthday weight and now weigh the most I ever have--yay, me.

You know, a lot people think fat people are lazy, but I'm here to tell you that gaining weight is hard work. After eating, I feel uncomfortable, tired, and short of breath-- same as after exercising.

In less than 5 months I have gone from normal weight to moderately obese-- a threshold crossed at 221 lbs, according to the public health establishment. They divide obesity into 4 classifications, popularly referred to as moderate, severe, morbid, and super. They could have gone with a more logical progression like moderate, severe, severer, and severest; but having to refer to somebody as "severerly obese" would result in too many grammatical injuries, so they went with the next most obvious terms: morbid and super.

IMO, the jump from "moderate" to "severe" seems a little harsh. One moment I'll be minding my own business, being moderately obese (because anything is okay in moderation, even obesity), and the next moment I'll find myself in the treacherous territory of severe obesity. They make it sound like I'll be fighting each day for survival in Antarctica ... in winter ... wearing a speedo.

After that, if I manage to gain enough weight, I will graduate to morbid obesity. Yes, at 295 lbs, I'll clearly be dead and rotting. If that's the image they want to conjure, I'd prefer to be called "zombie" obese. That sounds much cooler, and fat people are kind of like zombies. We're slow, groan when we walk, and we'll eat you if we can get away with it. Seriously, this is me leaving the Olive Garden: "Oh-h-h-h. Oh-h-h-h. Why did I eat so many breadsticks? Brains! I need brains!"

But I'll have to settle for "morbid". And then the magic can really happen. Because if I have the confidence and endurance to cross the frozen wasteland of morbidness, I'll suddenly be transformed into super obese!

Faster than a diet pill recall. More powerful than a pharmaceutical lobbyist. Able to unleap junk science conclusions in a single bound. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a fat person on a plane, wishing they made the seats a bit larger, it's Super Obee!

Weight: 234 lbs (12/11)
Weight: 230 lbs (12/04)
Weight: 227 lbs (11/27)
Weight: 224 lbs (11/20)