Sunday, June 15, 2014

Moscato & Whisky -- Who Knew?

Except for body mass temporary misplaced in March due to mild pneumonia, the past several months have been glaringly uneventful in the whisky and weight department. A few weeks ago, however, I bought a big box of Franzia Moscato for my wife, which she kindly rejected without threat of divorce, and I was left with the daunting task of how to dispose of it. Neither the food bank nor the homeless shelter would accept a tax-deductible donation of insanely cheap boxed Moscato, so I did the only other act I'm capable of ... I mixed it with R&R whisky. The last thing I expected was to discover anything, but suddenly I experienced an elation that has only been felt before by the likes Madam Curie, Jonas Salk, or the two guys that collided with chocolate and peanut butter. Moscato & whisky is a Thing®. It's Abbott & Costello, it's Lennon & McCartney (pre-Yoko), Pinkman and White, Woody and Buzz (and also the Pixar characters of the same name). What sets mixing these two alcoholic drinks together apart from others is that there is no wrong proportion. Each ratio yields a new drink as different and delicious as the next (grammatical error intended because I like it). Add a dash of whisky to Moscato, and you've got something like apple wine. Add a healthy dose, and you've produced a more palatable sherry. Half and half will give you a poor man's (that's me) Drambuie. And a pinch of Moscato to Canadian Whisky miraculously turns it into a bottom-shelf bourbon. To recap:

Moscato (99%)  →  →  →  →  →  →  Whisky (99%)
Apple juice → Sherry → Drambuie → Bourbon

Now go and enjoy this cheap and thoughtless gift I bestow upon you on this fine Father's Day.

[+] What I've Weighed Since Last Post ...

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Whisky Smorgasbord

To put your minds at ease, I've been drinking plenty of whisky while gaining weight. Replacing carbs with whisky does wonders to lose weight; adding the carbs on top of whisky does wonders to pack it on. Usually, I have a 1.5 liter of R&R or American Pride strapped upside down to my back with an IV drip feeding me a steady 1.5 oz per hour, but I'll occasionally pop up a shelf for something ever-so-slightly classier. Here's what I've tried over the last few months:

● Black & White Blended Scotch
● Rebel Yell Bourbon
● Tyler & Lloyd Blended Scotch
● Glen Kirk 8 Yr Speyside Single Malt
● Dewar's 12 Yr Blended Scotch
● Shieldaig Highland Single Malt
● Firefly Moonshine
● McClelland's Islay Single Malt

Not much out of the ordinary here, though the Shieldaig surprised me as my favorite of the bunch: smooth, sweet and smoky, more like a Speyside or Islay than any Highland I've tasted.

The Firefly just about made me vomit. I assumed I'd love moonshine, given that I've developed a sweet tooth for nearly any whisky or whiskey, but I can only drink this stuff mixed with soda. Thanks, Firefly--despite my greater girth, you've made me a lesser man.

Weight: 241 lbs (01/29)
Weight: 242 lbs (01/22)
Weight: 240 lbs (01/15)

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Face The Fats

Last June, the American Medical Association declared that obesity is a disease. My silly reasons for getting fat don't fully justify giving myself a disease, so either I don't care enough about my health or I don't believe being fat is unhealthy. Well, the answer is somewhere in between-- I am willing to risk my health, just as I do getting into a car or crossing a busy street, and I put my faith in a growing body of information that calls bullshit on the dangers of obesity. Here are some of my favorites:


A common strong point in these exposés is that fitness, even in moderation, is a far better indicator of health than weight, as studies consistently find people who are fat and fit are metabolically healthier and live longer than people who are thin and unfit.

A lot of people think fat kills. Blocked or broken arteries kill, and organ failure kills, but body fat has been proven to cause neither. Rather, obesity is just an innocent symptom found guilty by association. Blaming body fat, rather than, for instance, inert subsistence on deep-fried sugar bombs, is like blaming the crime scene tape that gets put up after a murder. "Something needs to be done about that tape! They should put it behind bars and throw away the key. Give it the chair! And pass me a donut!"

No, the only sure way fat will kill you is if you are crushed by it. Could that be why so many people get so emotional over other people's weight, fear of being fallen on? It's not like they have to worry about second-hand fat. "That fat bastard got too close to me and I gained 5 pounds! Well, at least he didn't fall on me."

I think thin people are scared that they are going to become a minority at the rate the population is becoming obese. At 100 million and counting, obese people are the largest and fastest growing minority in the US. That's why the health and political establishments are pulling out all of their defenses. They've labeled obesity a disease. They're talking about putting a tax on fat people. They're pushing fat interventions in schools and workplaces.

But they won't be able to stop it. Pretty soon, we'll have a fat senate, a fat congress, and a fat president. Maybe fat people will start discriminating against thin people. Not hiring them. Keeping them from voting. Putting them in labor camps. Dressing in bed sheets (king-sized) and lynching them. "Boys, we done got ourselves a thin one. Tie 'm up and sit on 'm".

Yes, be afraid. Be very afraid. And Happy New Year! :-)

Weight: 240 lbs (01/08)
Weight: 241 lbs (01/01)
Weight: 238 lbs (12/25)
Weight: 237 lbs (12/18)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Path To Super Obesity

Well, I've surpassed my 49th birthday weight and now weigh the most I ever have--yay, me.

You know, a lot people think fat people are lazy, but I'm here to tell you that gaining weight is hard work. After eating, I feel uncomfortable, tired, and short of breath-- same as after exercising.

In less than 5 months I have gone from normal weight to moderately obese-- a threshold crossed at 221 lbs, according to the public health establishment. They divide obesity into 4 classifications, popularly referred to as moderate, severe, morbid, and super. They could have gone with a more logical progression like moderate, severe, severer, and severest; but having to refer to somebody as "severerly obese" would result in too many grammatical injuries, so they went with the next most obvious terms: morbid and super.

IMO, the jump from "moderate" to "severe" seems a little harsh. One moment I'll be minding my own business, being moderately obese (because anything is okay in moderation, even obesity), and the next moment I'll find myself in the treacherous territory of severe obesity. They make it sound like I'll be fighting each day for survival in Antarctica ... in winter ... wearing a speedo.

After that, if I manage to gain enough weight, I will graduate to morbid obesity. Yes, at 295 lbs, I'll clearly be dead and rotting. If that's the image they want to conjure, I'd prefer to be called "zombie" obese. That sounds much cooler, and fat people are kind of like zombies. We're slow, groan when we walk, and we'll eat you if we can get away with it. Seriously, this is me leaving the Olive Garden: "Oh-h-h-h. Oh-h-h-h. Why did I eat so many breadsticks? Brains! I need brains!"

But I'll have to settle for "morbid". And then the magic can really happen. Because if I have the confidence and endurance to cross the frozen wasteland of morbidness, I'll suddenly be transformed into super obese!

Faster than a diet pill recall. More powerful than a pharmaceutical lobbyist. Able to unleap junk science conclusions in a single bound. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a fat person on a plane, wishing they made the seats a bit larger, it's Super Obee!

Weight: 234 lbs (12/11)
Weight: 230 lbs (12/04)
Weight: 227 lbs (11/27)
Weight: 224 lbs (11/20)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Mithrael's Manifatso

It's time for me to get really fat--and I don't mean for the holidays. After reaching my goal of weighing 180 lbs on my 50th birthday, I wasn't sure what, if anything, I wanted to do next. Continuing to lose weight was not an option, because, frankly, dieting sucked and I got no enjoyment from being thinner. Maintaining a more comfortable weight, like 200 lbs, would have been the smart choice, but I rarely make those and couldn't find a conviction, like turning 50, to supply the necessary motivation. I was about to settle for "whatever" until one day I was overcome with a fiery passion to become obese...yes, you read that correctly, obese. Why on earth would anyone intentionally run in the opposite direction of conventional wisdom? Oh, wait, that's an answer not a question. Here are some others:

● I'm one crazy mofo (aka father).
● I hate being cold. Hello fat, goodbye fartcicles.
● I could feel my butt bones crunch at 180 lbs. It felt like sitting on marbles. Why pay $1000 for a La-Z Boy, when I could just be one?
● No longer will anyone question why I'm wearing sweat pants--they'll always be in style for my weight class!
● Working out will be far easier. I'll be able to break a sweat and get my heart rate up to cardio level by just thinking of crossing a room.
● There's nothing like a massive energy reserve to survive major surgery (even if latter was caused by the former), or an apocalypse (even if skinny people are trying to eat you).
● If I can't afford to be livin' large, I might as well be livin' 2-people-in-one large. You know, be all I can be.
● I could have an additional revenue stream as an in-store Santa, "before" model, or rent-a-bounce house.
● There's too much social pressure *not* to be obese--like my 5-yr old, I hate being told what to do, even if it's "only a suggestion". What's the big deal anyway? Are people afraid of gaining weight from 2nd-hand fat?

But more or less seriously, I'm going to take this more or less seriously. On one hand, I don't have a lot of faith in medical claims about obesity. There are too many variables involved and conflicting research findings to support that. On the other hand, there must be limits to what a body can endure, so I plan to listen closely to my body for mine. I'm not trying to be unhealthy--I'll still clean my arteries daily with a bottle of whisky, and I have an agreement with my wife to have no rolls of fat that I can hide a rash or bologna sandwich in. The only real issue I have with this new course of action that I will be slightly more full of shit than usual.

Happy holidays, y'all!

Weight: 221 lbs (11/13)
Weight: 218 lbs (11/06)
Weight: 215 lbs (10/30)
Weight: 212 lbs (10/23)
Weight: 210 lbs (10/16)

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Jeremiah Weed -- Music To My Liver

Cheap, popular, and super sweet, Jeremiah Weed bourbon apparently strikes a chord with song-writers. I can't help but wonder if CCR/3DN were similarly inspired:

Jeremiah is a bourbon
Is a good friend of mine
Never understands a single word I say (being a bottle and all)
But we still have a mighty good time

Weight: 209 lbs (10/09)
Weight: 210 lbs (10/02)
Weight: 207 lbs (9/25)
Weight: 206 lbs (9/18)
Weight: 204 lbs (9/11)

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Ate a Dumbbell

As some may have predicted, I managed to reclaim 20 lbs of the 49 I lost in a scant 6 weeks. A good chunk of that is likely due to eating thick grilled cheese sandwiches between "Breaking Bad" episodes at midnight. Ironically, here's a contemporary show about a guy who just turned 50 and starts a new, high-risk life. And while I may not start a meth lab, I can eat grilled cheese like nobody's business.

Weight: 201 lbs
Weight: 200 lbs (8/28)